PARENTHOOD

LAUGHTER LIFE PARENTHOOD

Just Another Ordinary Week

What’s an ordinary week in the life of a mom?

Mostly it’s boring.  Monotonous.  Mundane.  Same old same old.

Then there is a week like this one…

MONDAY:  Mom wakes up in the morning, to total darkness. She panics. What time is it & why is everything dark?  She discovers the power is out & it’s 9 AM.  CRAP!  That means both kids are late to school.  Frantic, she gets the kids out of bed, gets them dressed & out the door.  Kids are late & then mom is extra late to work.

TUESDAY: Son wakes his mom up saying his throat has a frog in it.  He says he wants to go to school though.  So he goes. Until 10 AM when the school nurse calls and says he needs to come home because he threw up. Son comes home sick as a dog, and mom loses another day of work. Plus gets thrown up on.

WEDNESDAY: Mom wakes up to son standing next to her bed saying his tummy hurts again, then he vomits on her & all over her bed.  This almost makes mom vomit too. She holds it together and calls in sick to work, strips the kid, throws him the tub, strips the bed & starts washing the sheets.  UNTIL… the washer starts making strange noises and stops. SHIT.

THURSDAY: The morning alarm buzzes. Mom hits “snooze” approximately 8 times. She is exhausted.  She finally got into bed late last night after the appliance repairman came & fixed the washing machine.  Just in time because everything smells like vomit.  Good news though: sick son feels better. But bad news: Tween daughter wakes up yelling that she’s done with school. She says she is smart enough and doesn’t need school anymore.  An hour-long argument ensues.  Mom spends way too long persuading her to get out of bed, brush her teeth, and get dressed. Mom doesn’t need this particular battle, after the week she’s had. Finally, Mom goes to work, but can’t stop thinking about her how much worse the tween hormone-filled years are going to get.

FRIDAY: The weekend is almost here. YES!  She gets out of bed & smells something bad.  She goes in search of that smell and discovers the dog is now sick, all over the bed, bathroom AND bedroom rugs.  The washing machine can’t take anymore vomit.  Mom can’t take anymore vomit. Mom yells (quite loudly), “WHEN WILL THIS WEEK BE OVER????”

SATURDAY:  Mom wakes up and thinks, “YES!  The week is over”. The house is quiet. Kids are still asleep. Dogs asleep. Peace at last.  Suddenly, a knock at the front door sends her running to answer it before anyone wakes up. It’s Fed-Ex (at 6:30 AM???)… they need a signature.  So she creeps out onto the front porch in her pj’s and slippers, trying not to make any noise that will wake up the zoo inside her house.  Success.  She signs it, says “Happy Weekend” to the nice Fed-Ex driver, and turns around to go back inside. NOOOOOOO!… the door is locked.

SUNDAY: Mom wishes for next week to be an actual boring, mundane, ordinary week…

 

Share your ordinary weeks with us!

 

 

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LAUGHTER LIFE PARENTHOOD

Who Needs an Alarm Clock Anymore?

Like most moms, I don’t need an alarm clock because every morning I get a specialty wake-up call. Reserved only for parents…It’s called “The Kid Alarm”.

WHAT IS A “KID ALARM”?

First, it’s different from a “Baby Alarm”. Every new parent has to readjust to waking up when their babies do. I struggled through that phase and it eventually turned me into a very light sleeper.  Ever since the “Baby Alarm” days, I now hear every peep.  Every snore.  Every creak.  If something wakes me up during the night, it’s hard for me to fall back to sleep.  Which makes mornings even harder, for a non-morning person like me.  I spent a couple of LONG years dreaming of a day when my kids would regularly sleep later than 6 AM.  But instead, what happened was that once my kids started walking and talking, they could wake up as early as they wanted and come find me. And by “early”, I mean EARLY. So the “Baby Alarm” turned into the much worse “Kid Alarm”.  In hindsight those baby years, when they were trapped in their cribs… well, those nights were easier.

SO WHAT DOES A KID ALARM SOUND LIKE?

Loud. Startling. Occasionally it makes me fall out of bed yelling, “I’M AWAKE, I’M AWAAAAAAKE!”  And because it’s usually the first thing I hear each morning, it’s always “alarming”.  No pun intended.  Unless the dogs beat them to it (we have 3 dogs, so it’s a competition, but most days the kids win). Which means I am woken up by a sweet face (or 2), asking ridiculous questions, making very loud noises at me (“PIKA, PIKA, PIKA-CHUUUUUUUU-Squawk” – true story!), jumping on my head, or sometimes just continuously tapping on my forehead.  Sort of like water-boarding. These wake-up calls are usually not a good way to start the day.

A while ago, I began writing down the different things said to me by my “kid alarm”. (Also  known as “A perpetual pattern of ‘HOLY CRAP, IT’S MORNING & SOMEONE IS YELLING AT ME’ mornings).

I’m sure many of my fellow moms can relate, so I thought I’d share mine so you can all have a good chuckle…

P.S.  I do realize that someday soon my kids will begin sleeping later and later, and I will actually miss these wake-up calls.  But for now, I am trying to see the humor in them by embracing them and trying to laugh and not cry (at 5 AM).

 

Here is a sample of my recent morning “Kid Alarms” (unfortunately, these are all VERY real):

 

“Mommy, I lost my Thomas train, it’s somewhere in the toilet”.

“Mom, HELP!  I can’t find my soccer cleats!” [at 6 am, and they aren’t needed until 3 days later]

“MOMMA?  UH OH. I just stepped in something squooshy that smells like poop.  It’s probably not poop.  Or maybe it’s poop.  What do you think it is?  Smell it.”

“It’s so dark.  Do you think the moon is sleeping too?” [at 3 am]

“How does the moon sleep?  Does it have eyes that close?  Or a bed?  Mommy, how?” [at 3:30 am]

“Are you awake?” [as my eyelids get pulled open] “Because I see your eyeball, so I think you’re awake.”.”See, I told you you’re awake.” [AT 4 am]

“Where’s my iPad?”

“Where’s my iPad?”

“Where’s my iPad?”

“Momma, is it morning yet?” [at 4:30 am]

“Maaa-mmmmmm!  I’m so hungry, I’m gonna STARVE”  [at 5 am]

“YUK…  a dog threw up in my room. What’s for breakfast? I’m hungry.”

“Wake up, wake up, wake up, WAAAAAAAA-KE UPPPPPPPPP” [that’s always a fun one to hear.  I usually yell back “No, No, Nooooooooooo!”]

“Where’s my iPad?” (notice a pattern?)

“Mommy, I had a dream and there was a dog and a cat and a fish and a rabbit and they were talking to each other and they said hi, and they all had purple hair, and they were eating breakfast, and….   Mom? Mom??? MOM???  Did you fall back to sleep?” [Uh, yes… I did]

“Mommy, mom, momma, ma, mom, mommy, ma mommy, momma…” [and that continues until I speak. And trust me, you don’t want to know what I speak after that!].

“Where’s my iPad?”  (OMG… I can’t even…)

 

So what do your morning moments look like?  Comment below.

 

 

FINAL THOUGHTS:

To anyone contemplating having children, a bonus is that you will not need an alarm clock for MANY, MANY years!

 

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LAUGHTER PARENTHOOD

White Lies Moms Tell

Honesty is important. It’s a deal breaker for me. It’s essential for me to teach my children the importance of honesty. However… and this is a huge, however. My only exception for full honesty… is when parenthood calls for a simple white lie. There are times it is necessary. Innocent, but necessary.

I know all moms have told white lies to their kids. And I want them to know that they are not alone. So I decided to confess a few of mine…

#1  I hide my Swedish fish.

I eat them when the kids are in bed. I learned quickly that if my kids see my stash, it’s mayhem. Begging and pleading for just one Swedish fish. Then I end up with an empty bag. So now I hide them. And when they ask if there’s any candy in the house, I say “not that I can recall”.

#2  I call Tofu “cheese”.

When my kids were young, they both went through a phase of intense dislike of every type of meat.  It’s a texture thing, and pretty common.  I tried my best to get them to eat chicken, turkey, hamburgers, anything.  But they refused. Worried about them not getting enough protein, I finally resorted to alternating between scrambled eggs (which they did like), & “tofu cheese”.  They were cheese fans and thought it was just another type of cheese.  To this day, cubed tofu cheese is a yummy snack to them (I don’t get it, it’s tasteless! But I was happy to get some extra protein in them).  Thankfully the meat-free stage was short-lived for both of them, but the tofu “cheese” helped me get through it.

#3  I fib about what time it is.

Before my kids knew how to tell time, I occasionally fibbed about what time it was. Kids never want to go to bed. Those nights when they absolutely refused to head to bed?  Yep, I fibbed about it maybe being 7 pm, instead of 6 pm! Winter is a bonus because it is dark early, so they had no clue they were going to bed at 6 pm. Hey, don’t judge if you haven’t tried it.  It’s GREAT!

#4  I continued to fib about the time.

Once my kids learned to tell time, I actually resorted to changing some of the clocks in our house, specifically the ones in their bedrooms.  The only important tip is that you have to change the clock back before the morning or they will get up too early!

#5  I invented “the seatbelt police”.

My kids think “seatbelt police”.  There was a stage when they refused to buckle into their car seats. Or worse, they tried to unbuckle when I was driving. So I told them there are “seatbelt police”, who watch for kids that aren’t buckled, and they’ll get a ticket.  This isn’t really a lie because it IS a law.  And as any parent knows, kids are happier to behave for anyone besides their own parent!  I was so proud when I overheard my son tell his friend “make sure you buckle up or the seatbelt police will stop us”.

 

So sometimes I think it’s okay to fib.  Sometimes.

 

Share with us:  What white lies you have told your children?

 

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LAUGHTER LIFE PARENTHOOD

Life With Too Many Dogs

Life with too many dogs – this week’s edition:

MONDAY: I woke up to a 12 pack of toilet paper, completely shredded in my living room.

TUESDAY: I took my dog’s “invisible fence collar”, aka “electric fence collar”, to get the battery replaced. The guy replaced it for me, handed it to me, and I said thank you and I began to walk out. ZZZZZZZap! I GOT ZAPPED/SHOCKED/FELL DOWN ON THE GROUND YELLING “MY ARM HURTS”. Yep… I’d call that Karma. Sorry doggies.

WEDNESDAY: My UPS delivery guy asks why my middle dog is wearing a diaper. “Don’t judge.” I say.

THURSDAY, While vacuuming my living room, I rolled the vacuum over unseen dog poop, and thus “shmooshed it” into my rug. I then spent the next 2 hours trying to take apart and clean my brand new (yes, brand new) vacuum.

TODAY. Time for a cocktail.

They’re cute, but crazy!

 

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PARENTHOOD

10 Things I Want My Daughter To Know

Below is a shared post from a fellow amazing mom on Scary Mommy

Right now my daughter is sitting in her pajamas. It is 3:30 on a snowy March afternoon and all she cares about at this moment is snuggling with her brother. Their heads are pressed together as they’re playing on her Kindle. I am pretty sure she is caught up in the moment. Her thoughts are not drifting. She does not care about boys, the size of her thighs, or if she has said the wrong thing today.

I wish she could stay this innocent, this pure, forever, but she can’t. She won’t. At 10 years old, she is on the cusp of so much—drama, boys, comparisons, trust, embarrassment, pressure, and other tumultuous situations that are unavoidable. It will all become very real, very soon. There is so much I want to tell her, and I will when the time is right. Here is what I need her to know:

1. Say ‘Fuck Off’ When It Needs to Be Said

Say it with your eyes. Say it with your actions. Say it in your head, or say it out loud. Say it by walking away. Say it however you want—just make sure you say it. Say it when you are overlooked. Say it when you are being disrespected. Say it when you are being judged. Say it when someone doesn’t treat you the way you know you deserve. Say it when someone puts their hands on you in a way that you don’t like. Say it. Make sure the person you are saying it to hears you loud and clear.

2. Know the Difference Between Desire and Value

When another person desires you, it does not always mean they value you. They may desire you so much you almost start to believe they value you, but these are two different things. If they value you, you will know it. If they don’t, you will know it.

Go ahead and kiss boys, but don’t kiss them if they are rude to you unless you want to kiss them. Never spend the night with someone who will not want you there in the morning unless you are fine with that arrangement as well.

3. Indulge

Buy the shoes, drink the coffee, have the wine, eat the chocolate, get the massage, use the good dishes, light the candle. Even if you are the only one to enjoy it, do it. There is no point in saving these things just for other people.

4. Don’t Worry About Your Thighs

Be healthy, practice moderation, and explore different physical activities. Eat real food that makes you feel alive and makes you want to do things that make you feel alive. Donuts aren’t capable of doing that. However, if you enjoy them every once in awhile, and then say, “That was nice, and now I am done with you,” donuts are wonderful. The size of your thighs (or any other body part) is not what matters in this one life we have. What matters is how we feel when we are here and how we make others feel. Focus on that.

5. Don’t Force It

If a smoky eye makes you look like you got into a bar brawl, just let it go. If you have a friend who makes you feel like shit or betrays your trust, let her go, too. Nothing should feel forced ever—not a dress, not a relationship, not a hobby. Most importantly, don’t ever try to convince someone of your worth. If they aren’t convinced all on their own, refer to number No. 1.

6. It Is OK to Be Vulnerable

If someone breaks your heart or ends a relationship with you and you are crushed, let it out in front of them if you want to. Don’t hold back: cry, scream, tell them everything you are feeling. If you are crushed, say it. Leave it all out there, then go. Don’t tell them again; they heard you the first time. Don’t hit up their phone after too many drinks. You said what you needed to say. Move on. Confide in girlfriends. Talk to me. If they want to come into your life again, they will show up.

7. Don’t Do Anything With Half Your Heart

Sometimes we have to do things with half of our heart—things like folding laundry or shopping for a vacuum cleaner. I am not talking about those things. I am talking about the big things: your career, whom you marry, where you live, your style, your friends. Do the big things with your whole heart, your whole self.

8. Be Responsible for Your Own Validation

You are amazing. Yes, you really are. I am your mother, so I will always believe this, but I want you to believe it too. Really believe it. Don’t wait for others to validate you. Even if they do but you don’t believe in your own awesomeness, it will never feel real to you.

9. Don’t Compare Yourself to Others

This is a hard one—maybe the hardest. The thing is, when we compare ourselves to others, more often than not, we are comparing our worst moments, our weaknesses, to their strengths. Remember that. Just because you have different strengths does not mean you are less-than.

10. Be Gentle

Be gentle on yourself. It can be very easy to believe something bad someone says about us—easier to believe than the compliments. Just remember what you believe is what you become. Love yourself enough to focus on your gifts, your strengths. Don’t beat yourself up just because you make a mistake. Instead, learn from it. Turn it into something positive.

Some of these things might only make sense to you after some hard lessons, and maybe some of these things you will just know. Either way, life is not easy. In my 40 years, I have found that when you get torn up a bit, when life isn’t cooperating, it is best to put on your favorite outfit, listen to some badass music, and fucking handle it.

And my advice in those times is to “ROCK ON BRAVE GIRL”.

teach-daughter-things

10 Things I Want My Daughter To Know When Things Get Real

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IN THE NEWS LIFE PARENTHOOD

When Life Freezes. Unforgettable Moments.

As a child, I remember hearing stories about “unforgettable moments in life”.  My mom told me about how events happen that are so memorable, they live with you forever.  Time freezes.  Her example was the assassination of JFK.  My mom told me about when she and her friends learned of his death, time froze.  Everyone who lived through that remembers where they were the moment they heard he was killed.

John Lennon’s death, The Challenger Space Shuttle Explosion, Jim Morrison’s death.  All were unforgettable moments in time.

As a little girl, I wondered when my unforgettable moment would come.

9/11, turned out to be THAT moment for me.

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NYC; 9/11/2001:

Standing in my pajamas in my NYC apartment that morning, when all hell broke loose… well, that became MY unforgettable moment. There are no words to adequately explain the terror I felt when I realized that my city, the city where I lived, where I loved, where I grew into a woman, had been attacked.  The earthquake I felt when the towers tumbled…

In the end, we survived.  Some friends didn’t, but we did.  The images though, were so tough.  Neighbors and friends whose husbands didn’t come home, friends whose waited at Ground Zero for weeks to find traces of their loved ones… those moments haunt me to this day.  The burnt smell in the air for days, while we were locked-down and not able to leave the city.  The fighter jets that patrolled the city for days after.  The supermarkets with barren shelves. Those days are frozen in my mind.

So much sadness, disbelief, and many, many questions. I was a part of that city and I survived, so why didn’t all those innocent people?  It was a rough time, trying to maneuver the complex emotions and feelings of guilt, remorse, dismay.

 15 Years Later… 

I thought that day was one day.  But it wasn’t.  It’s a never-ending day.  It’s always there reminding me of how vulnerable we all are.  How precious life is.

And each and every year, I am transported back to the absolute terror I felt when I realized those planes had hit the towers, INTENTIONALLY.

I didn’t know it right away, but over time I realized that that day was my huge, unforgettable moment.  Life changed for me in a blink of an eye that day.  My security, my innocence, were gone forever.

And just like my mom told me I would… I discovered the moment that will be frozen in my mind forever.

9/11 is and always will be MY unforgettable moment.

 

#NeverForget

#NeverLetItHappenAgain

 

911neverforget

 

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LAUGHTER PARENTHOOD

MOM HAIR – It’s Not The Prettiest

The Evolution of My Hair:

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New Haven, CT – Circa 1980’s

Throughout my teens and 20’s, my hair was my favorite accessory.  I styled it for hours on end.  Crimped and spiral-curled to perfection.  Then well sprayed with Aqua Net, for a night out.  Can you tell I grew up in the `80’s?   My big hair was a thing of beauty.

Then I had kids.

And my brown turned to gray.  Nicely styled, turned messy.  And it’s been up in a ponytail ever since.  Or tucked under a baseball hat.

Once in a while, I try to blow-dry it like my hairdresser does and actually have pretty hair again… if just for a day  But those times are few and far between.  Usually, it’s just a pony-tail.  It’s the best I can do these days.

And although I love them a lot, I blame my kids for giving me MOM HAIR.

Because believe it or not, sometimes, I actually miss my big hair.

 

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LAUGHTER LIFE MISCELLANEOUS PARENTHOOD

“You’re The Meanest Mom In The World!”

Moms, I have a question for you…  Have you ever been called “the meanest mom in the whole world”?

If your answer is “no”, consider yourself lucky.  But I have to tell you… it’s probably coming.

If you’re like me (and most moms), and your answer is “yes”, well then, welcome to the club.  According to my kids, I’m the “worst”, the “meanest”, and every so often I get, “you’re the most embarrassing mom ever”.mean-mom

It’s taken some tears, some reading of parenting books, and some enlisting advice from fellow mom friends, but I finally determined that it actually means I am doing a good job.  (Or at least I have convinced myself that’s what it means!).

Those “you’re the meanest mom” comments are only yelled when a mom makes a very smart parenting decision.  For example, lay out a rule that will stop your child from doing something that could hurt them. Or get them kidnapped. Or lead them down a bad path…  You get the point. Basically, it’s when you are doing your job and your kids just don’t like hearing the word “NO”, that they will tell you how “MEAN” you are.  It’s tough to hear, but it really means you care.

So I’d like to take a moment to remind every mom or dad out there who hears they are “THE WORST” today, to remember it probably means you are actually THE BEST.

And please, keep up the good work!

If you need some tips about how to piss off your kids, while truly helping them become awesome humans, then read this… it’s pretty accurate…

12 Ways To Be The Meanest Mom

#MomsRule  #DadsRule  #KidsAreTough

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PARENTHOOD

Life as a Mom of a Boy

I love having a son.  My son is sweet and loving and handsome, and the best part – he loves to snuggle!  Sweetness times ten.  I can’t get enough of him.  He’s seriously the best boyfriend I have ever had.

Boys are truly a blessing.  But… they can also be a bit of a challenge for moms.

Why?

Well, one reason – the PENIS!  It’s a hard thing for moms to understand.

Moments-big-small-funny

Boys’ obsessions with their penis’ is something I can honestly say I will never understand.  It amazes me how many times a day I say:

“Do you have to go potty?”  “NO?”  “Then stop grabbing your weenie.”

“Why are your hands down your pants?”

“What’s going on down there?”

“Please put pants on – the neighbors can see you!”

“No – everyone doesn’t want to see you naked.”

I try to keep in mind the very wise advice a good friend of two boys once told me.  She said, “remember… for a boy, having a penis is like having a ‘built-in’ toy.  So why not play with it all day long?”.

Okay, I get that.  If I had a toy like that, I’d probably play with it too!  But there are so many times it’s slightly embarrassing to have a kid walking around with his hands down his pants!

Moms – tell us what you think about this! 

 

 

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